i dont know where im going with this. but i’m just going to talk if you dont mind.
im really tired. im so exhausted. it’s exhausting living with this disease. it’s so tiring waking up feeling so happy, everything seems great and you even have a thought ‘hey maybe things will turn around maybe today is the day where it will all be a straight road, a road with no pebbles, no pot holes, or bumps, just a clear road to happiness’ and you think that and you swear to yourself that its true and you put that out in the universe and you find yourself whistling just because you’re happy! i mean thats what you think. but then you get home youre laying down reading a book and that little voice comes. comes out of nowhere and laughs at you for even thinking it’ll get easier, it smashes that little light you have created and just brings you back into the darkness. you dont know why this happens, and then you get so frustrated because you just dont know why you feel so miserable! but then that voice finds some stupid reason something that didnt even bother you anymore but in this moment of darkness in this moment of pure negativity that reason you thought was nothing is now the reason you’re thinking of giving up all over again. and then you cry
you have these crazy irrational thoughts you did once before. when life seemed like it was all a fog. then all of a sudden its gone. that voice laughs at you again and says ‘youll never be happy’ then you just sit there. you sit for what seems like hours. you sit not thinking about anything. you sit like a stone. you stare at the wall and you just fucking sit. youre numb. thats what is is right? complete numbness.emotionless. nothing.
and then a thought comes up.